


Fuck, Marry, Kill

by DahYelTal



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Drinking Games, Implied Sexual Content, Jim is an Idiot Genius, M/M, Oblivious Jim, POV James T. Kirk, Referenced McPike
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27899911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DahYelTal/pseuds/DahYelTal
Summary: Jim has a dream where he's playing Fuck, Marry, Kill with Bones but after he brings up Spock, things get weird enough to wake him up. He then heads over to Bones' quarters to share the weird only to find that his dream wasn't that far off.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock
Comments: 10
Kudos: 72





	Fuck, Marry, Kill

**Author's Note:**

> There is a single line reference to mpreg (in Jim's dream) that didn't warrant a tag, but I'm noting it here if any readers happen to be triggered by even the slightest reference to mpreg.
> 
> Also hey everyone, sorry for disappearing off the face of the Earth. I have...soooo many fics in my backlog. Tons of them, and plenty more waiting to be finished, but I freeze up when I try to post them. I'm using the momentum of this fic I wrote last night to just throw it out into the void and hopefully that'll prompt me to keep putting fics up and not caring what impostor syndrome says. Special thanks to PrairieDawn for beta'ing. <3

“I don’t want to play this game, Jim,” Bones said before taking another sip of his bourbon.

Jim leaned on the bar next to his friend and gave him a hard pat on the shoulder. “What does it hurt? It’s fun! It’s a classic.”

“Fuck, marry, kill?” Bones rolled his eyes. “I’ve got a do no harm clause so that game is just fuck or marry for me.”

“That’s what makes it even more fun, Bones.” Jim twirled once on his barstool before drumming his fingers against his thighs. “Alright, let’s get this started!’

“No.”

“Scotty.”

Bones tossed the rest of his drink back and slammed his glass on the table, motioning for a refill. “God damn infant.”

“Me or Scotty?”

“The Pope. Who do you think?” Bones shot Jim a glare and turned his chair toward him, crossing his arms. “I’d fuck Scotty. If we got married, we’d probably drink ourselves to death.”

Jim nodded. “Fair. Hm…” He took another sip of his beer and toyed with the neck as he contemplated another name to throw at Bones. “Uhura.”

Bones smirked at that one. “Now, Ms. Uhura, I’d make sweet, sweet love to her if she’d let me. Or whatever she’d let me do. Hell, she could do whatever she wanted with me.”

“But you wouldn’t want to marry her?” Jim made a ‘the fuck’ gesture with his arms and scrunched his face in confusion.

“God no, she intimidates the hell outta me! I don’t want a spouse who intimidates me,” Bones shivered, “again. Joss was intimidating as hell and if I only looked at her good parts, Uhura has a lot of the same strengths. I definitely don’t want to be with someone who intimidates me.”

“Chekov?”

“He’s an actual infant, pass.”

“You can’t pass!”

“He’s barely old enough to drink! I. Pass.” Bones reached for his newly refilled glass and drank nearly half of it in one go. “Don’t include anyone under the age of 25 on this list if you want me to keep playing.”

Jim rolled his eyes and tapped his fingernails along his glass. “Chapel.”

“Well she’s a lesbian, so…”

“Oh, right, but if she wasn’t?”

“Fuck. Definitely fuck. We’d talk shop too much if we got married.”

Jim grinned and tilted his head back to pour some more beer in. “You sure want to fuck a lot of your coworkers, Bones.”

“Well my options are fuck or marry an’ I’m pretty damn picky about my spouses.”

“What about me?”

“Kill.”

Jim set down his beer and gasped dramatically, putting a hand to his chest. “Me? You’d kill  _ me _ , Bones? How could you!”

“I’d bring ya back, but sometimes I just want to hypo you with something and letcha suffer. Granted, that’s usually after you come back injured or infected with god knows what and the quickest way to kill you would probably be to just letcha die.” Bones shrugged and swirled the amber liquid in his glass. “I like ya too much to actually kill ya, but I wouldn’t want the other options, either.”

“Yeah, it’d be incest since you married my pseudo dad.” Jim took another drink with a half-smile. It unfortunately took him until after Chris’s death for him to admit just how much the man meant to him. “Still gross, by the way, but at least you two made each other happy.”

Bones smiled back and held up his glass to Jim. “He was a good man, and so are you.  _ Son _ .”

“I hate you so much right now,” Jim said but clinked his glass nonetheless. “Alright, the next round is rapid fire and remember you  _ have _ to say one of the three. Ready?”

“Sure.” Bones finished his drink and leaned one arm on the bar, facing Jim. “Shoot.”

“Sulu.”

“If him an’ his husband invited me to a threesome, I wouldn’t say no.”

“Rand.”

“Also a lesbian but fuck.”

“Gaila.”

“Fuck.”

“M’Benga.”

“Fuck.”

“Spock.”

“Marry.”

“Cupcaaa---wait, WHAT?!”

“Fuck. What?” Bones frowned and reached for his glass again. “You can’t be that surprised, Jim. Spock’s a good man an’ I’m sure he’d be an excellent partner.”

“But you two hate each other!”

“On the contrary, Jim.” Spock said casually as he walked up from behind Jim and over to Bones, who received him with two outstretched fingers. “We have found a mutual affection toward each other and have since engaged in a relationship.”

“And we are engaged,” Bones added with a smile

Spock moved his hand from Bones’s shoulder to his abdomen. “And Leonard is pregnant.”

Jim bolted upright and thrashed around until he was no longer tangled up in his blankets. He looked around, breathing heavily, as he tried to center himself and get back to reality. That was a  _ weird _ dream and although his two best friends had been hanging around each other more, there was no way any of that could happen. Hell, Bones wouldn’t play that stupid game with him even if he was drunk.

“Why the fuck did I have that dream?” Jim stumbled out of bed and threw on a robe, he had to talk to Bones or else he’d never get back to sleep. This was too damn weird for him to deal with alone. It was Bones’s fault anyway, probably, so he’d have to suffer right along with him. Luckily his friend’s room was on the other side of Spock’s and he didn’t have to travel far. No, the only thing he’d have to worry about was being murdered on sight since it was kind of late.

Jim pressed the chime and waited while the computer on the other side announced his presence. He heard a muffled clatter and some cursing, then Bones opened the door part way looking murderous. “Hey Bones, got a minute?”

“Exactly 60 seconds and then you leave.”

“Yeah, sure.” Jim took a deep breath and got about half way through explaining the dream in detail--in hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have included so much detail--when Bones started turning to leave. That’s when he noticed two hickeys and a bite mark. “Did you just have sex with someone?”

Bones stopped dead in his tracks and turned back wide eyed and robotic. “No.”

“Yes you did, you have marks all over your neck!”

“Quit lookin’!” Bones slapped a hand over his neck to cover most of the marks.

Jim stuck his head in the door just far enough that Bones wouldn’t dare to close it, not that it stopped Uhura back at the academy. “At the end of my dream you said you’d marry Spock and then Spock came over and said you were already in a relationship, engaged,  _ and that you were pregnant _ .”

“That’s just absurd, Jim,” Bones stated with an eye roll, still covering his neck. “I don’t have a uterus, I can’t get pregnant.”

“That’s the only thing absurd about this?”

“Well, yeah, I wouldn’t be dating Spock if I didn’t see us gettin’ hitched somewhere along the way.” Bones shrugged and all Jim could do was gape. “What? You tryin’ to catch flies? Close yer damn mouth!”

“Wait,  _ wait _ , you and Spock are dating?” Jim tried wedging himself further through the door but Bones stopped him.

“Uh, yeah, have been for a couple months now. We both told you. Ain’t that right, darlin’?” Bones tossed the question over his shoulder.

“Affirmative.”

Jim heard Spock but he couldn’t see him, which was probably a good thing because he didn’t want to see his CMO  _ and  _ XO just after sex, especially of the kinky variety. It’d give him too many unprofessional thoughts that he didn’t feel like dealing with. But that was beside the point. “When did either of you tell me?!”

“I told you a little over two months ago when this all started. I said something along the lines of ‘Spock and I are seeing each other, I don’t want to talk to you about it, are we still on for drinks?’ I thought you were just respectin’ my boundaries!”

“I didn’t think that meant you were dating! I just noticed you two spending more time together, I figure that that’s all there was to it!” Jim raked his fingers through his hair trying to pick up more clues. He was a certified genius, how in the galaxy did he miss this development? They didn’t stop bickering, there was no public displays of affection, and the only thing he could think of is that sometimes they shared meals in their quarters without him.

Spock came up behind Bones, who stepped to the side to provide him with more space. He, luckily, didn’t have any marks and not a single hair was out of place, nor were there any questionable stains on his impeccable meditation robe. “I informed you that I wished to develop a romantic relationship with Leonard during our chess match two evenings prior to the start of our union. You responded, and I quote, ‘Yeah, sure, whatever.’”

Jim felt his eyes boggle, he knew that night well. That was the night he actually won. “You can’t possibly expect me to be listening to what you were saying when I was that close to beating you for the third game in a row! I’ve never had a threepeat!”

“I admit that I was rather emotionally compromised at the time, as I was unsure of how you would respond. In hindsight, your reaction was out of character and I should have restated my position at a later time, I apologize.” Bones attempted a backhand against Spock’s chest but his hand was caught. “Is there anything else you wish to discuss, Jim?”

“Yeah, can I grab a sedative so I don’t have any more nightmares?”

“Love you, too, Jim,” Bones said as he pushed Jim’s head back through the door and promptly closed it.


End file.
